White House Stockpiles Paper Towels Ahead of Florence

WASHINGTON D.C. — As Florence looms over the Carolina coast, President Trump released a statement on Wednesday, to reassure those in the storm’s path that the government has everything under control.

“After Hurricane Maria, we provided the beautiful people of Puerto Rico with tremendously soft paper towels. It was a bigly success. I promise that no one will weather this storm without a little something to clean up the mess left behind,” President Trump vowed.

All throughout the Carolinas, people are expressing their utmost gratitude at the President’s gracious deligence.

“I feel relieved,” Joshua Stern of Myrtle Beach told The Millennial Snowflake. “Finally, a president who cares about the safety and security of his citizens. Did that Kenyan socialist Obama provide paper towels to anyone? No, because he doesn’t care about the working man.”

“I don’t normally agree with government handouts, but this shows that he cares,” Sarah Davis of Raleigh said. “The Democrats would have probably given them to MS-13 or something. I sleep comfortably at night, knowing that President Trump is always there for me, as long as I openly praise him.”

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