Entertainment

We’re Going to Mock Things You Love, Because We Need Ad Revenue to Survive

Full Disclosure: It may come as a shock, but operating in news media is not as glamorous as we make it appear to be.

Some days, the news is just so crazy that we struggle to render it both palatable and entertaining. Also, we find it difficult to earn a consistent revenue stream, because people have proven themselves either unwilling or unable to pay for merchandise.

We suspect the former, you miserly bastards.

Since we are incurring financial strain, we must rely on our only consistent source of income: ad revenue.

The only problem is that you all actually have to click on the articles. How can we guarantee that you will do that? The only way to ensure that you will do so is to shamelessly mock pop culture staples in an opinion piece, in the hopes of starting a heated debate in the comment section.

Let us begin.

First of all, The Beatles are hilariously overrated. They’re essentially a boy band that ingested too much acid. Taking hallucinogens and droning on about peace hardly equates to profundity

Secondly, Disney didn’t ruin the Star Wars franchise; it has always been subpar at best. Unlike Star Trek, Star Wars rarely engages in the kind of meaningful social commentary necessary to render science fiction insightful and poignant. Also, even prior to Jar Jar, attempts at comic relief throughout the series have been remarkably lazy. Yoda phases his “sagely wisdom” through weird syntax, and Chewbacca communicates by making loud noises. Hilarious.

Thirdly, it is disgusting that Michael Jackson’s legacy remains largely unaffected by credible allegations of pedophilia. Yes, his songs are catchy, but come on people. You can’t consider yourselves part of the #MeToo movement and hit the dance floor to “Billie Jean.” Such vulgar displays of hypocrisy make us look bad.

Finally, early 2000’s emo music is self-indulgent, petulant garbage. Only in America could a bunch of self-loathing white people, who moan endlessly about their white people problems, actually resonate enough with the general public to make a profit. As such, being nostalgic for such things just makes you look shallow. There is a reason that people beyond the age of fifteen fail to find catharsis within the confines of the genre. Being dumped at prom should not be something that provokes a strong emotional reaction from a thirty-something year old.

Please come back next week, so that we can continue to piss you off for profit.

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