War “Super Relieved” Government Focused On Cutting Healthcare

Nuclear bomb explodes in the desert.

WASHINGTON DC — Both Republicans and Democrats have been mired in chaos in the recent weeks as Trump made an aggressive push to repeal Obamacare, a move that would strip millions of Americans of health care coverage.

In fact, it is estimated that by the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office that the Affordable Care Act actually reduces the debt by $143 billion — conflicting with the purported reason for attempting to repeal it. However, there is one entity outside of the Republican party and Vladimir Putin, who is reveling in the utter chaos Trump’s fixation on repealing Obamacare is causing the nation.

“The facts and figures vary depending on the source, but the U.S. government has spent roughly five trillion dollars on me since 2001,” says War. “I thought, surely if they wanted to cut expenses, I’d be the first to go, but you know the old adage — it’s far easier to destroy than to create. Excuse me for a sec, I’ve gotta go fuck some shit up.”

War also indicated that he believes part of the reason he is overlooked by both a large segment of the American people and the government is because of his strategic decision to spend virtually all of his time overseas.

“Hey, sorry about that. Syria needed some freedom,” War said. “Where was I? Oh, yeah. It’s just all in all a good time for my career because you know, you have this country with citizens who have cancer, and plenty of serious health issues that go way beyond their control, but people are angered about having to use their taxes in any way shape or form to help each other out. But then, there’s me. Hell, I’m not even necessary most of the time, but don’t tell them that. I’m trying to keep my job. People fear me. Do you know how badass that is? They don’t even have to declare me anymore. I just kind of show up one day, and stay around, and check this — they keep paying for me — I’m practically on a salary, man. Fuck, gotta go again. Be right back.”

Some political scientists have pointed to the strong anti-communist ideology as being root of American priorities, causing Conservatives to view healthcare as a socialist program — and of course, a major step along the slippery slope to communism. All the while, War remains popular among that same segment of the population. They believe it is the American mission and right to go anywhere on the planet, either as peacekeepers, warriors, or both at once, an ideology neatly summed up by the phrase “American Exceptionalism.” It is this very belief that powers what President Dwight Eisenhower dubbed the “military industrial complex.”

“Whew, that was fun! Some major shit just went down,” said War. “Anyways, I know I’m kind of rambling, but it’s crazy how I’m just an accepted fact nowadays. Hell, Lockheed Martin’s President Robert Gross called this shit back in the 50’s. He was giddy when he talked about how nation assumed global responsibility. Giddy about what it meant for his wallet,” War chuckled. “The real kicker was that whole Weapons of Mass Destruction thing. Hello? Oil much?! They didn’t even have the resources to engage in global warfare and yet, they compared Hussein to Hitler. It’s all about fear, dude. Get the people all riled up, and then let the Pentagon do the rest. Fuck people with cancer, am I right?”

War put on his fedora, and gazed out of the window.

“My thoughts are all scattered and chaotic right now,” he said. “Anyways, I’m late to a gig over in North Korea. I’ll see you later.”

And like that, he was gone.


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