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Virgin Foils Own Plot To Get Laid At DragonCon

Virgin dressed as Darth Maul scopes out the scene at DragonCon.

MARIETTA, GA — Kal Ender created an elaborate plan to have sexual intercourse at DragonCon 2017. The twenty-seven year old has been involuntarily celibate for all of his adult life, a fact he figured would change with a little help from one of the 80,000 other living, breathing humans, drawn to the event by a shared passion for comic books and sci-fi. However, that is decidedly not what occurred.

“Now that tired George Lucas is out of the picture, Stars Wars is on the rise, so I went in as Han Solo,” Ender said. “I know Han wasn’t really one for calculating the odds, but I liked my chances of scoring.”

The Star Wars enthusiast believed his outfit would be the perfect opener for talking to a bikini-clad Leia. Unfortunately, much to his chagrin, the male attendees swarmed the Leias of the event, forming an impenetrable barrier around them.

Ender, having prepared for all of his imagined scenarios, brought a secondary costume. After an utter lack of success in his first two days, he took on the identity and appearance of the Clown Prince of Crime, hoping instead to attract his very own Harley Quinn.

Once again, that was decidedly not what happened. His luck appeared as though it was about to improve. He managed to catch the eye of a fiery-eyed, vibrantly costumed Harley Quinn enthusiast, who came with similar intentions.

She was noticeably flirtatious, addressing Ender by Quinn’s choice term of endearment, “puddin.” The conversation was going well until she brought up Suicide Squad, naturally assuming Ender was cosplaying as Leto’s Joker, an accidental slight he tried to move past. However, he found himself unable to avoid correcting her by pointing out that he was in fact, the Ledger Joker. He subsequently went on to describe Suicide Squad as “derivative, desperate, and wholly forgettable.” His closest chance at achieving his plan, parted ways with him shortly thereafter.

Ender felt the sting of the blown opportunity, but his spirits picked up as he was browsing Reddit and caught word of some of the cosplay parties going on back at the Hyatt Regency hotel where he was staying for the weekend.

However, upon arriving at the room number posted on the online forum, Ender stumbled into a gathering of furries in the dimly lit hotel room. He left abruptly as he felt the eyes of those dressed as woodland creatures glaring at him for the intrusion of the non-furry.

“To be honest, I play League of Legends with a ton of girls, so I’ve got tons of them to message,” said Ender, “I just wanted to get some action IRL.”

The still-celibate twenty-seven year old sci-fi lover blamed the failure of his plan on the highly unfavorable ratio of guys to girls, calling it an “epic sausage fest.”

“It’s kind of a blessing in disguise waiting for next year because I can really focus on growing my followers on Twitch and taking my gaming career to the next level,” Ender said.

Despite the weekend’s miscues and mild disappointment, Ender intends on coming back for DragonCon 2018 with a vengeance.

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