Politics

Unvaccinated Baby Suffers Midlife Crisis

PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA — Eugene Bevens, a one year old from Silicon Valley, seems to be struggling with his own mortality.

His parents, John and Rebecca, read an article on the internet about how vaccines cause autism, and therefore decided that it would be best not to vaccinate their son.

“It’s our choice to do what’s best for the welfare of our child. I mean, honestly, it is presumptuous to think that so-called ‘medical experts’ know our son better than we do,” Rebecca Bevens, who graduated with an online degree in alchemy from the Academy of Pseudoscientific Quackery, told The Millennial Snowflake.

Eugene has responded to his parents’ decision by demanding that they buy him a toy convertible, a bouncy castle, a giant teddy bear, a crib outfitted with a stereo system, and a highchair outfitted with glow in the dark rims.

He also recently got a temporary tattoo on his right arm, in honor of his favorite rubber ducky.

“The young man seems to be making the best of the time that he has left,” Dr. Harold Greene, the family psychologist, explained to The Millennial Snowflake. “He’s always been a precocious one; very mature for his age. I think that he senses his unfortunate situation, and resents his parents.”

Eugene also requested a medical kit, but seemed distraught to find that the toy needle and syringe were made of plastic.

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