ATLANTA, GEORGIA – As colleges all across Georgia begin their first semester under the new concealed carry legislation, which permits licensed students to carry firearms virtually undetected, professors have been expressing their fear and dread.
“I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’m scared of my own students. I mean, what happens if I hand them a failing grade and they retaliate through mass murder? I always make sure I carry an extra pair of pants with me, in case I piss myself in the middle of a lecture,” said a local professor, who has asked to remain anonymous.
In response to growing concerns, The University System of Georgia (USG) has released a statewide memorandum, entitled “How Not to Get Shot by Your Students.” Here are a few tips from the guide:
1. Know your audience. If you see a student becoming visibly agitated by a discussion topic, don’t provoke them. Just move on to something more benign, such as kittens. Everybody loves kittens.
2. If a student asks if they can see you after class, run. Don’t even bother collecting your materials. Just run. Fast.
3. During orientation, it might be a good idea to come up with viable routes for evacuating the building. Is it sad that you have to think about this, instead of boring students and parents to death with useless information, as with traditional orientations? Yes, but that’s just the world we live in now. Suck it up, buttercup.
4. Don’t share political ideas or beliefs. Ammosexuals can spot a snowflake from a mile away, and they will attack if they feel threatened by liberal ideas, such as peaceful conflict resolution.
The document concludes by arguing that while these changes to university life will almost certainly affect the quality of education throughout the state, providing students with a subpar education is “better than getting shot in the face.”
For their part, students are ending their shopping for school supplies by purchasing the perfect handgun, to match their three-ring binders and ink pens.
“Thanks to Governor Deal, back to school shopping is fun again! This Magnum will really make Fall of 2017 a semester to remember,” said Kevin Buchanan, current student at Kennesaw State University, as he brandished a menacing grin.