United Airlines Now Offering In-Flight Tranquilizers Whether You Like it or Not

United Airlines is now offering in-flight tranquilizers whether you like it or not.

CHICAGO — According to sources in the commercial aviation sector, United Airlines will begin offering in-flight tranquilizers administered by their flight attendants — whether you like it or not. After noticing an uptick in “troublesome passengers,” the airline decided that the best way to put an end to this problem would be if their customers were simply unconscious for the duration of the flight. United says that it intends to keep its flight attendants well-stocked with tranquilizers, so that they don’t have to worry about running out of ammunition.

“Some of our passengers take three or four shots to keep them down the whole time,” says United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz. “The elderly go out pretty quick, and remain conked out. Children don’t take much, but they’re quite resilient, so they often take a couple of tranquilizers. It’s usually the millennials and that thirty and forty crowd that take three or four on the longer flights.”

The airline is hopeful that this new strategy will reduce the need for comfort pets on their flights, and any need for quality customer service.

“Half the incidents we’ve had wouldn’t have even occurred if the passengers were unconscious,” says Munoz. “They just expect too much from us, but our new approach will remove the expectation of customer service entirely. Problem solved. No more bad flight experiences, no more bad headlines for us — everybody wins.”

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