U.S. Colleges Vow to Continue Affirmative Action, Pending Large Applicant Donations

Benjamin Franklin hundred dollar bill.

WASHINGTON D.C. – The Justice Department has promised to curb affirmative action policies, claiming that they deliberately discriminate against white applicants. In response, deans from many colleges and universities nationwide have come together to promote what they believe constitutes a compromise.

“We want to ensure that disenfranchised minorities have access to the best education possible,” John Manning, newly appointed Dean of Harvard Law School, said in a university bulletin. “We have therefore decided that, rather than involving the federal government, we would ask minority applicants to donate to our fine institution. Please note that we will review all donations before sending out our acceptance letters for Spring of 2018.”

“This is absolutely disgusting. Does Mr. Manning not realize why affirmative action exists? The program helps the economically disadvantaged, and institutionally marginalized, receive an education, which hopefully ensures upward mobility,” explained Leon W. Russell, current Chairman of the NAACP.

“Yes, but does that not seem rather egotistical? We don’t just want students who can remove themselves from an impoverished environment. We want alumni who can procure big, fat sums of money for our- I mean, we want students who will contribute to their academic communities, to give our society hope for a brighter future,” Manning replied, visibly sweating underneath his $22,000 suit, a fine Ermenegildo Zegna Bespoke.

“I support our colleges and universities for continuing to find new and innovative ways to reach an understanding, during even these most divisive times. Please do not take my praise of their fine work as a reflection on how, through my father’s generosity, I received my bachelor’s degree from Harvard. Did I just say that out loud? Oh, fuck!” Jared Kushner shouted in a panic, as he ordered reporters to turn their microphones off.

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