MOBILE, ALABAMA – “The first time I saw an Indian restaurant in Mobile, I couldn’t believe muh eyes. I thought, ‘Is this really the end o’ Western civilization as we know it?’ What has this nation come to? I miss the days when it was just good, artery clogging, greasy American food, as far as the eye could see. Is this the end of freedom? I can only hope that President Trump can stop our country [from] being a big ol’ globalist pile o’ pig shit,” Chad Porter, a part-time mechanic, and full-time white nationalist, told The Millennial Snowflake.
“I respect other cultures, sure. I just think they ought to stay where they are. They need to respect our long, rich history in this country. Y’know, o’ blowing our hands off with fireworks during the 4th o’ July, or drinking Bud and chewing tobacco, while driving our pickups. That’s what’s at stake here: Our entire way o’ life,” he continued, as a single tear cascaded down his cheek.
“And they should learn to speak English gooder,” her added, after he had reassumed control over his emotions.
When we asked Chad when the last time he left Mobile was, he beamed with pride.
“I ain’t never left,” he said. “Why would I wanna leave? This is muh home, and ain’t no one gonna take it away from me. I don’t need none o’ that ‘cultural enrichment’ shit that yeh libtard scum keep peddlin’. I just need muh banjo, muh meth pipe, and the wind in muh hair, as I ride through the countryside in muh truck.”
After our scintillating discussion with Chad, we at The Millennial Snowflake confirmed that fears about xenophobic violence are completely unfounded.
“Just stay off muh lawn, and everything’ll be just peachy,” Chad said of immigrants and People of Color.