As Thanksgiving approaches, sources close to the former host of The Apprentice Donald Trump say he has been hard at work crafting up a series of tweets designed to offend the Native American population.
“I think it’s admirable how diligently he’s been working on this,” says Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway. “He has flowcharts covering the walls of the Oval Office diagramming which tweets will generate the greatest amount of hurt and outrage per character. That’s one thing President Trump doesn’t get enough credit for — he’s very analytical.”
“He’s getting pretty creative with it,” says White House Communications Director Hope Hicks. “We’ve been going over our options. We’re even thinking about how we can work the phrase ‘Indian giver’ into this feud with Lavar Ball. Definitely some potential there. Also, Trump is thinking about praising Christopher Columbus or Andrew Jackson again. Maybe he’ll defend their legacies, but we’ll see. That one’s still in rough draft mode. The really explosive angle we’re planning out is having him tweet about rolling back Native American scholarships and financial aid. Can he actually do that? I don’t know, but it’ll get him some headlines.”
At press time, Trump was reportedly having a mandatory Thanksgiving “powwow” in the Oval Office with the White House staff, during which each attendee was required to tell the former Trump Airlines founder why they’re thankful for him.