WASHINGTON D.C. – In the past few weeks, protesters have interrupted numerous cabinet members and prominent Republicans during dinner. In response, President Trump instructed members of his cabinet to “buy frozen meals in bulk and keep a low profile.”
“I mean, I can eat where I want. The country loves me, that I can tell you. They know that I’m doing a great job. But you guys, I’m worried about you,” the President told cabinet officials during a meeting on Wednesday.
“Don’t order takeout,” Trump instructed. “Those haters and losers will spit in your food. I mean, I think most of you are doing a great job, not as great as me, but a tremendous job. You just shouldn’t take any chances; believe me.”
“At this point, I think I have enough Hamburger Helper meals to survive a nuclear holocaust. Good thing President Trump has this whole North Korea situation totally dealt with,” Kirstjen Nielsen, Department of Homeland Security Secretary, said in an interview with The Millennial Snowflake.
“Don’t get me wrong: I miss subjecting the general public to my presence, but I can’t go anywhere without being harassed.”
Reportedly, younger members of the Trump Administration are also having trouble finding dates in the liberal enclave that is D.C.
“We’re public servants, so we have to make sacrifices. I’ll gladly use a sock and think about Tomi Lahren in an American flag bikini, if it means helping my country,” a White House staffer, who wished to remain anonymous, confessed to The Millennial Snowflake.
“I honestly don’t mind it. We Trump supporters are like the Royal Family, in the sense that we breed among our own kind,” Shelby Lyons, a 24 year old White House intern, assured us.