WASHINGTON D.C. – Amid escalating tensions with Justin Trudeau over trade policy, Trump has demanded that Canada fund a wall along the northern border, presumably to deter illegal immigration.
“When Canada sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing poutine; they’re bringing hockey; they’re lumberjacks; and some, I assume, are literally beavers,” he said during a rare press briefing.
Prime Minister Trudeau reacted to the presidential tirade with detached bemusement.
“I’m sorry, but why would any of our citizens immigrate to the United States, illegally or otherwise? They have universal healthcare, tuition-free public university, and most Importantly, they have a leader who refrains from grabbing genitalia without permission!” Trudeau remarked, in an uncharacteristically blunt rebuke of the Trump Administration.
In spite of his diatribe, Trudeau agreed to fund such a wall, in order to prevent American refugees from crossing the border.
“You do realize that our immigration website crashed on the eve of your ‘yuge’ Electoral College victory, yes?” Trudeau rhetorically inquired with a smirk. “We’ll fund your wall, but only because we don’t want anyone from your shithole country.”