Politics

Trump Boys Practice Making Shivs, Filling Pillowcases with Bars of Soap As Mueller Probe Closes In

Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump practice making shivs in preparation for prison time.

WASHINGTON DC — Saying they could take care of themselves in prison if it “comes down to it,” Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly practicing making shivs in the West Wing.

“If we end up in the same cell as Crooked Killary, she better watch her back,” said Eric Trump. “Yeah,” added Trump Jr. “Watch your back Killary.”

“Re-inforced chickenwire glass with a duct tape handle, sharpened toothbrush, straightened jail fence with a bit of rubber glove for a handle, soaped and salted paper rolled up and sharpened — we’ve learned how to make anything into a weapon,” said Eric. “Come at me, bro.”

“I made this prison-style,” said Don Jr. rolling his sleeve up to show off his 917 area code tattoo. “Even my rig is homemade. Straightened staple, a piece of jumpsuit to hold the ink, rubberglove securing the staple, and a Paper Mate medium point pen. Pretty sweet, huh?”

To immerse themselves in a more prison-like environment, the Trump boys stacked their beds on top of each other, so they could simulate having a cellmate. Additionally, they canceled their Netflix subscription and even considered canceling their Hulu and Amazon Prime subscriptions, but said that they would “basically already be placing themselves in a literal prison by that point.”

According to sources in the White House, the boys have reportedly been filling up their pillowcases with bars of soap and beating the absolute shit out of each other to prepare themselves for the violence and terror of the pen.

“I’ve already started sleeping with one eye open,” said Don Jr. “Eric usually attacks when he thinks I’m not awake. I do the same to him. Sometimes we end up coughing up blood the next day, but it’s part of the experience, you know?”

“We’re just helping each other get hard,” Eric added.

At press time, the Trump boys were reportedly begging their parents to have bars installed on their windows, so their room would feel like “the real deal.”

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