Politics

Trump Begins Ceremonial Rattlesnake Pardoning

WASHINGTON D.C. – In addition to the famous Thanksgiving tradition, during which the President pardons a turkey from the dinner table, President Trump has decided to begin a custom of rattlesnake pardoning.

“Rattlesnakes are just doing their jobs. They don’t deserve any of this vile treatment propagated by the fake news media. I’ve met many fine rattlesnakes who have done exceptional work, keeping mice and other vermin from becoming an infestation,” President Trump said during a press conference, after he officially pardoned the snake, whom he lovingly calls “Constable.”

The move to begin pardoning predatory reptiles has not been without controversy, as many believe that the move unilaterally condones uncouth, bloodthirsty behavior.

Mice and other small creatures have taken to the streets in protest. In particular, Mice Against Ungodly Snakes (MAUS) released a statement, which serves as a scathing rebuke of the President’s actions.

“We unequivocally condemn President Trump’s endorsement of serpentine savagery. Rattlesnakes, and other such creatures, should not be commended by the Commander in Chief. His actions set a dangerous precedent. What kind of future are we creating for our children, if indiscriminately devouring defenseless creatures becomes a social norm?”

In spite of all of this fear and uncertainty on the part of mice and similar prey, reptiles from all over the country seem pleased with the new tradition. Many supporters have been taking to social media, using the hashtag #ThanksssssssssssTrump.

“We are sssssssooooo pleased to have ssssssomeone in the White House who, like us, serves as a sssssssymbol for treachery and wickedness,” a python was quoted as saying, before he sunk his fangs into a mouse’s flesh.

 

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