Politics

Trump Announces Death of Wicked Witch, Body Melted by Water During Raid

Trump satire ... the real witch hunt

Addressing the nation from the White House Sunday morning, Trump described a daring airborne raid by American special operations forces on the Wicked Witch’s castle in the western territory of Oz and said they flew over heavily militarized territory controlled by multiple nations and forces. No U.S. troops were killed or injured during the raid, Trump said.

As U.S. forces bore down on the Wicked Witch of the West, she flew into a dead-end tunnel with three of her minions at the end of which she had prepared a bucket of water for such occasions, Trump said. Before U.S. forces could capture the Wicked Witch, she poured a bucket of water over herself, resulting in her apparent death by melting. “She was a sick and depraved woman, and now she’s gone,” Trump said. “She died like a dog, she died like a coward.” The Wicked Witch’s identity was positively confirmed by a DNA test conducted on site, Trump added. 

Trump's proof of successful raid on Wicked Witch
The remains of the Wicked Witch, Trump’s Proof of Successful Raid

On late Saturday Trump had teased a major announcement, tweeting that “Something very big has just happened!” By the morning, he was thanking the munchkins, the Emerald City, and many of the other “very good people” of Oz. 

The killing of the Wicked Witch marks a significant foreign policy success for Trump, coming at one of the lowest points in his presidency as he is mired in impeachment proceeding and facing widespread Republican condemnation for his Oz policy. 

The recent pullback of U.S. troops he ordered from western Oz raised a storm of bipartisan criticism in Washington that the Witch and her blue flying monkeys could regain strength after they had lost vast stretches of territory they had once controlled. Trump said the troop pullout “had nothing to do with this.”

The operation lasted two hours. Trump and his administration posted a photograph on social media posing in the situation. Conspicuously, the raid on the Witch’s castle occurred while Trump was witnessed on a golf outing. 

Trump described the raid in vivid detail and took extensive questions for more than 45 minutes Sunday. He said U.S. forces breached the walls of the building because the doors were booby-trapped and the Witch was able to counter many of their maneuvers due to her virtual omniscience gained via crystal ball. Trump said many flying monkeys and a military dog named Toto were killed in the operation. He also revealed that U.S. forces spent roughly two hours on the ground gathering intelligence. 

Trump said he watched the raid from the White House situation room as it played out live “as though you were watching a movie” — a claim that could be possible if a secondary situation room was built on the golf course, allowing Trump to essentially be in two places at once. 

He suggested he may order the release of the video so that the world knows the Wicked Witch did not die a hero and spent her final moments “crying, whimpering, and screaming that she was melting.”

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