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Trouble in the Land Down Under: New Species of Fanged Koala Cannibalizing Rest of Koala Population

Fanged koala terrorizes vegan koalas.

QUEENSLAND, AUSTRALIA — When Australian wildlife conservationists noticed a steep decline in the koala population, their initial belief was that it was likely due to a disease the adorable mammals had no resistance to. However, the reason behind this drop off was much more sinister, troubling, and altogether unexpected.

“I got a call one night from a bloke saying he heard a ruckus and that it sounded like a roo got into the rubbish. We weren’t prepared for what we were getting ready to see,” says wildlife conservationist Liam Oliver. “I heard this awful screaming, the strangest noise you’ve ever heard. Flipped on my flashlight and there’s two koalas up in a tree. At first, I thought the little buggers were mating. Koalas get real rough, you know. But that’s when the thing turned and hissed, showing its fangs all bloodied. It’s mate was dead. The koala was gnawing on it.”

The conservationists received reports of similar incidents throughout the area, linking cannibalism to the decline of the koala population.

“Everybody thinks of koalas like these cute, fluffy teddy bears. And they were. But we are witnessing the evolution of a species. We’re all just a bit surprised at how violent this progression has been and no one expected to see fanged koalas chowing down on their vegan relatives,” says Oliver.

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