WAYNE, NEW JERSEY – In a last ditch effort to save his company from bankruptcy, Toys “R” Us CEO Dave Brandon has announced that they will now be selling “adult toys” in the back of select locations.
“We feel as though it is important to compete with other retailers, like Amazon. We have to accept the fact that online shopping has made our business model obsolete, in regard to children’s toys. But have you ever purchased a 12 inch dildo on Amazon or eBay? I don’t think so! We are hoping that this rebranding will revitalize our company, while providing a vital service to the public,” Brandon said in an interview, as he proudly displayed a brand new vibrator, known as “The Beaver Pleaser.”
“I’m positively delighted,” New Jersey resident Bill Cox told The Millennial Snowflake in an interview. “Normally, I have to buy my inflatable sex dolls at really seedy, disreputable establishments. Have you ever seen those places under a black light? It’s like a Goddamned Christmas tree. It’s great to know that I have a warm, friendly, and nonjudgmental place, in which to procure my furry pink handcuffs and Pleasurebot 9000.”
However, Christian organizations, such as Focus on the Family, are not so optimistic about the new strategy.
“We have always seen Toys “R” Us as a family-friendly, wholesome environment. I once gave my son some money, told him to buy a pool noodle, and he came back with a giant, well, you know…..thingy. What’s next? If we keep allowing society to degenerate like this, eventually, our kids will be freely exploring their sexuality, instead of repressing their urges! Remember kids: Jesus is watching!” a representative for the organization said in a statement.
In an effort to alleviate their concerns, Brandon addressed these religious groups directly. “Don’t be ridiculous! We won’t be providing children with such items! Just be sure that your son or daughter uses very specific language when speaking to our staff. For example, ‘My Little Pony’ is fine, but “Ride My Pony’ will probably yield an item that is entirely inappropriate for young audiences.”