Topeka Inexplicably Confident It Will Be Home of Amazon’s Second Headquarters

Topeka wildly overconfident that it will be new home of Amazon's second headquarters.

SEATTLE — Topeka Mayor Larry Wolgast excitedly called a meeting with his staff and told them to contact every reporter and news station around for “the story of the century.” By noon, Wolgast proudly stood before a horde of media members, all of whom eagerly anticipated his big announcement outside of city hall.

After boasting that Topeka is the “Manhattan of the Midwest,” Wolgast told everyone present that it now leads the short list of cities in the running for Amazon’s second headquarters. He added that there’s about a 90% chance Topeka will be the new home for Amazon HQ2.

“Did he really say that? The Manhattan of the Midwest?” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. “He sent me a proposal a month ago, but there’s literally no reason why we would even consider Topeka. It’s heartbreaking. There was this little concept sketch of our headquarters right next to this giant potato sculpture. You could tell they’re really trying in their own way.”

At press time, Amazon received an update to the Topeka pitch, calling itself the home of the Wizard of Oz.

“That’s a big stretch,” said Bezos. “This is just getting sadder.”

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