Politics

Tom Price Drunk Dials Karen Handel, Pleads for House Seat

WASHINGTON D.C. – Following former Health Secretary Price’s resignation amid mismanagement of taxpayer funds, Rep. Karen Handel claims that she received an usual call from him, at approximately 3 A.M. on Friday morning.

“He was clearly intoxicated. I could almost smell the liquor on his breath through the phone. Because of the slurring, I couldn’t make out much of what he said during the call. The gist was something about how he appreciates me keeping his seat in the House of Representatives warm. He then told me to ‘be a good girl’ and to step down, so that he could return to his position. As a woman in the Republican Party, misogyny is par for the course, but I was still taken aback by the conversation. I made clear to him that elections don’t work that way, and advised him to drink plenty of water in the morning, to prevent a hangover,” Rep. Handel said in an interview.

On Monday, Price is set to meet with Rep. Handel, who won a contentious race for Georgia’s 6th district in June, after Price’s controversial White House appointment. He assured the taxpayers that the cost of the flight will not be exorbitant in the slightest, because he will “only order a side of caviar and some champagne,” rather than his traditional four course meal.

“I want to be as frugal as possible, to show the American people that I understand the hardships of the working man. I am skipping the salmon appetizer, as a sacrifice for my country,” Price explained, as he delicately poured himself a glass of pinot noir.

“I believe it is my duty to represent the lovely people in Georgia’s 6th district. I hope that this uppity little bi- I mean, fine congresswoman, will find it in her heart to restore what is rightfully mine,” Price concluded, before stuffing his face with Maine lobster.

For her part, Rep. Handel rejects the proposition entirely, remarking that she is perfectly capable of dismantling healthcare protections and enforcing traditional values on her own.

“I don’t need to take advice from a man who doesn’t even know how to use Expedia.com,” she defiantly quipped.

To Top