My Dearest Spicey, Spiceman, Spicerino,
We will all dearly miss you. Although your career as White House Press Secretary was brief, one cannot deny that throughout this tumultuous endeavor, you displayed boldness, charisma, and you have certainly left an indelible mark upon the profession.
With greatness comes controversy, and you were no stranger to such things. Your indubitable spirit of innovation and assertiveness unfortunately bestowed an unfavorable reputation upon your person. Take heart in this, for all geniuses are misunderstood in their own time. After all, who else would have the audacity to justify Syrian airstrikes by asserting that “Hitler never used chemical weapons on his own people?” Who else, when confronted with the strangeness of this remark, would coin the neologism “Holocaust Center?” Mr. Spicer, you were not just Press Secretary, you were an artist. The Press Briefings were your stage, upon which your carnivalesque performances would leave viewers in awe.
As you tragically vacate your position, remember that journalists will sorely miss you as well. They may have seemed exasperated by commands like “stop shaking your head,” and your consistent browbeating. However, deep, deep down, they know that you acted in such a brisk manner only as a consequence of your unwavering commitment to the truth.
The truth is, of course, hard for anyone to defend alone. Yet you valiantly stood by your leader, as he covfefed his way through the White House. Some may call this behavior sycophantic, but I know that you only wanted to express your unrelenting loyalty to the Trump Administration. You were tasked with defending the indefensible, and you handled this momentous challenge with all of the poise, grace, and dignity of a majestic bald eagle, albeit one with two broken wings and various undiagnosed mental disorders
So, after all you’ve done to serve this divided nation, I’d like to wish you all the best.
With all my love,
Carl Sweat IV