Politics

Ted Cruz Changes Political Affiliation to the Lemon Party

WASHINGTON D.C. – After the fallout from his recent Twitter scandal, during which Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) liked a pornographic video, Cruz has decided that he must leave the Republican Party. On Wednesday, he defended his decision by citing irreconcilable differences with GOP leadership.

“Make no mistake: Republicans watch porn all the time. Ever wonder why we haven’t gotten anything done, in spite of a party majority in Congress? That’s right! We’re too busy yanking it!” Cruz said at a press conference in Houston.

“That’s why I was shocked when my colleagues in the Senate started treating me like a leper, or worse, a Muslim, after the Twitter incident. It amazed me that the same people who spank the monkey to any number of obscure fetish sites could find it within themselves to judge me. Especially Mitch McConnell. That guy is into some weird shit.”

“In any case,” Cruz continued, “I am tired of being discriminated against for who I am, so I will be leaving the GOP, effective immediately. However, I assure my constituents that I will continue to represent their interests as a member of the Lemon Party, with whom I have so much more in common.”

Originally formed in 2002, the unorthodox, relatively obscure Lemon Party was founded on a progressive platform of LGBTQ+ and elderly rights. Their political slogan is “When life gives you lemons, grab it by the balls.” Their official anthem is the 1963 Jimmy Soul classic, “If You Wanna be Happy,” which Cruz cited as inspiration for his pursuing a relationship with his wife, Heidi.

Senator Cruz’s surprising decision has been described by Christian conservatives as “inspiring.”

“I am thrilled that Senator Cruz is touching him- I mean, becoming more in touch with himself. I, too, am tired of pretending that I spend my days praising Jesus, when I am usually catching up on my Brazzers subscription,” said Jerry Falwell Jr., a prominent Evangelical, who was controversially appointed by President Trump to the Department of Education.

In light of Cruz’s decision, Lemon Party membership is expected to rise exponentially among the Christian conservative faction of the Republican Party.

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