Think that your girlfriend likes it when you send her that good morning text? Think she likes it when you bring her flowers? Of course she doesn’t mind any of those things, but a surprising new study conducted by The Millennial Snowflake Research Center (MSRC) revealed that women are happier in relationships when their partners just become a vibrator.
“We were surprised by the results,” says Dr. Carl Sweat, the lead researcher of the study. “We’d just assumed women were more satisfied with being in a relationship with a sentient being who could actually show them love and affection was high on their list of needs. But as it turns out, orgasms matter too.”
The study bucks conventional wisdom that women are totally cool with never having orgasms and never having their clits stimulated. “All this time, we were under the erroneous assumption that women enjoy being cuddled and paid compliments, and perhaps they still do, but it seems it’s all secondary to experiencing volcanic, leg-shaking, time-warping, soul-liberating orgasms,” says Sweat.
The study was conducted by comparing the overall happiness of one group of women who were all dating perfectly decent men against another group whose boyfriends were transformed into vibrators. Overwhelmingly, the women whose boyfriends were replaced by vibrators reported drastically higher levels of happiness.
“In layman’s terms, it would seem that women just need a steady supply of food, drinks, some attention sprinkled in here and there and the orgasm without being crushed underneath of jizzing pile of manmeat.”
