Study Finds Valentine’s Day More Dangerous Than 4th of July

Valentine's Day is somehow more dangerous than Fourth of July.

Naturally, many would assume that July Fourth, the most explosive holiday next to New Year’s, is the most dangerous. As it turns out, that may not be the case. A study conducted conducted by The Millennial Snowflake Research Center (MSRC) found that Valentine’s Day accounts for quadruple the injuries. All the drunk Americans throughout the country handling explosives still equates to less injuries than the celebratory day for romance. “It makes perfect sense to me,” said MSRC Researcher Carl Sweat. “Our data shows that violent incidents spike on Valentine’s Day. Considering it’s a holiday designated for passion, this should come as little surprise. Stabbings. Viagra overdoses. Gunshots. Not to mention sex-related injuries — they all peak. A comprehensive study of the data reveals that the primary cause of injury occurs when the man forgets to actually plan anything for his significant other. This is a far more deadly mistake than running around the yard with sparklers or firecrackers in your hand. Besides the pure numbers, it’s the severity of the injuries that should be taken into consideration as well — at worse, on Fourth of July it’s blown up fingers and hands. On Valentine’s Day, penile breakage increases dramatically both intentionally and unintentionally.” If you or a loved one is interested in keeping their dick healthy and whole, it is never too early to prepare. Stay tuned for The Millennial Snowflake’s soon-to-be-released chastity belts for men.

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