CLEVELAND, OHIO – For years, defenseless Sims have feared the very name of “Andre Roy.” From trapping them in cellars without doors, to stabbing them to death, Roy has always prided himself on finding new and innovative ways to sadistically abuse his Sims.
“People pretend to be all high and mighty, but I mean, we all do it. I can’t lie; I get a perverse thrill out of seeing a Sim’s Bladder Meter slowly inch toward full on red. Then, they wave frantically before dying in a pool of their own piss, which is blue for some fucking reason. There’s nothing quite like the thrill of seeing the light leave their eyes, as the Grim Reaper comes to escort them into the Spirit World. If Maxis didn’t believe Sims to be deserving of hardship and woe, they wouldn’t make killing them so fun,” Roy said, as he sold the ladder to his Sim’s swimming pool, laughing as he drowned.
When Roy’s parents heard about their son engaging in such twisted savagery, they immediately contacted the school counselor at Collinwood High.
“While this sort of behavior might certainly lend itself toward psychopathy, Sims unfortunately have no legal rights, so we cannot pursue anything in terms of suspension, or other punishments. The fact of the matter is that Sims aren’t people,” the counselor explained, as he forced a young child to grab a Cowplant’s cake, resulting in him being eaten alive.
In response to mounting criticism from parents and concerned family members all across the world, Maxis CEO Will Wright has released a statement, which reads as follows:
“By developing The Sims, we have provided a public service. Think about it: Instead of going out and robbing banks or poisoning animals, gamers are at home setting Sims on fire or forcing elderly Sims to ‘WooHoo’ until they die of exhaustion. We at Maxis believe that human beings, at their core, are filthy, primitive beasts, who enjoy the suffering of others. Since we cannot change human nature, it’s important to minimize its harmful effects. In a way, Sims are sacrificial lambs, who must be slaughtered at the pagan altar, so that humanity may be cleansed of its sins. With every drop of pixelated blood split, we are preventing unfathomable disaster.”
In response to Wright, the Mayor yelled “Neeshga!” in a fiery speech to the citizens of SimCity, which means “No!” in Simlish. Since that defiant statement, #Neeshga has been trending on Twitter, while protests have taken place all across SimCity. For days, protestors have been waving signs reading “Depwa Spanewash, Depla Blah,” which means “You! Yes, you! Go away!” They have also been refusing to obey the orders of players.
Maxis servers have been malfunctioning, and Wright has publicly stated his fear that the situation will soon descend into full on Simarchy.