THE BOWELS OF HELL. – Upon facing what many would call the “Week from Hell,” Scaramucci has decided to sue Satan, Prince of Darkness, for infringing upon the terms of their contractual agreement.
“It says right here: Once the condemned signs this document, they will immediately receive all manner of worldly pleasures, including, but not limited to: wealth, women, fame, and prestige. I lost my job, my wife, and will most likely lose my child. Clearly, I sold my soul for nothing, and this bastard fucked me,” Scaramucci wrote in his formal complaint to the Office of Infernal Transactions (OIT), conveniently located in Hell’s Seventh Circle.
Satan’s attorney, Johnnie Cochran, argued that the contract was null and void, stipulating that Scaramucci failed to uphold the terms of the agreement.
“It says very clearly that one must spend the entirety of one’s earthly existence doing Satan’s bidding. Serving as the mouthpiece of a deranged demagogue does not qualify as doing the Devil’s work. I understand why Mr. Scaramucci might have been confused, but President Trump is, in fact, not evil incarnate. Did Mr. Scaramucci not stop to consider that if President Trump were the Antichrist, he’d be much more efficient at inflicting one thousand years of darkness upon the living? The very idea that this buffoon represents Hell in any way, shape, or form, is patently absurd,” Mr. Cochran explained to Scaramucci’s attorney, through the use of a spiritual medium.
“My client signed this contract with the blood of a goat, as ordered. If you fail to meet the terms of the agreement, he will have no choice but to pursue legal action,” Scaramucci’s lawyer responded.
“With all due respect, Mr. Scaramucci, this is Hell. Do you not think that we have the best legal representation imaginable?” Cochran taunted.