First off, thanks for thinking of me, kid. I got your letter and your list, and buddy boy, you’re in for a real treat!
I know you asked for a puppy — but I did you one better. I’ll give you a hint: it slithers, has scales, and talks. Any guesses?
That’s right, pal. I got you a pet snake. She’s a girl actually. I’ve been calling her Lucy, but you can change her name if you’d like. If you wake up to her whispering to you at night, don’t be alarmed. That’s just typical snake stuff.
Let’s move onto the next thing on the list — your paintball gun. Okay, so your friend from Hell did you well once again, kid. I scored big for you on this, and got you a real big boy gun instead. Keep it loaded and make sure the safety is off, of course, so you’re always ready in case of emergency.
Ahhh, a fidget spinner. Meh. That would be too easy, and buddy, what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t give you my all?
Instead, I got you a circular saw. It spins round and round just like a fidget spinner, but it’s way cooler because it can also go much faster, and all you gotta do is plug it in.
Okay, kid. The last thing on your list really touched me and got me all weepy.
I know you’ve been having trouble reading in school, and spelling things correctly. I’ll take away your dyslexia. It’s gone, pal. However, this is where the rules come into play — I can’t just take it away without giving you something in return.
You might start itching — like a lot. But don’t be alarmed, bud. That’s just eczema. It’s a skin condition you’ll have through your teens. However, you’ll grow out of it.
Speaking of growing out of things, to balance it out I also had to give you something else. By the time you’re reading this, you’ll probably have already woken up in a pool of your own piss. You’re gonna wet the bed till you’re about twelve. Sleepovers are going to be tricky for you now, and the urine will burn your skin where the eczema gets you, but you’ll be reading and writing like a little Shakespeare now, buddy!
Anyways kid, I’ll see you around. Stay naughty!
Your friend, the Prince of Darkness