LOS ANGELES — In a speech on the campaign trail, Sanders issued an ultimatum to billionaires around the country: “It’s this or the guillotines. My tax plan is the only thing keeping your heads on your shoulders. You might want to stop attacking me in the press. At this point, I’m really all that stands between you and violent revolution.”
“Don’t think we won’t do it,” warned Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t fantasize about the rivers running red with the blood of the bourgeoisie. Make no mistake: We will burn your decadent mansions to the ground.”
Rather than responding directly to Sanders’ fierce rallying cry, billionaires throughout the country have reportedly sought refuge in their wine caves. Estimates suggest that they have enough caviar and chardonnay to sustain them for roughly five years, or the length of one Sanders presidency.
“When Sanders announced his candidacy in 2016, we all decided that we needed to plan for the possibility of revolution,” an anonymous source told The Millennial Snowflake. “We began collecting provisions, and preparing to go underground, if and when necessary. Why engage in class warfare when we can pay class traitors to do so on our behalf? Lord knows there are enough of those in this country to serve our needs.”