MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA – Following Roy Moore’s stunning defeat in the Alabama Special Election, he has finally given his concession speech at Chuck E. Cheese’s.
Moore’s campaign manager, Rich Hobson, said that he wanted Moore to be able to give this “very emotional” speech to his followers “in an environment in which he feels most comfortable.”
Before the speech, Moore could be seen binge eating pizza.
“May God forgive my gluttony,” he tearfully exclaimed, as he jammed the sixth slice of pepperoni pizza into his mouth.
He then spent a considerable amount of time sobbing and shouting homophobic slurs in the ball pit, before finally speaking before his supporters.
“This race has given me time for reflection,” Moore’s speech began. “I never imagined that the people of Alabama could forsake me in such a faithless way. I mean, Doug Jones? That man will never care for your children as dearly as I do,” he said, visibly salivating as he gazed upon his young audience.
“Regardless, I assure you that I am not going anywhere. Whether you’re a Jewish banker counting money or a Latino mowing the lawn, I will be there for you. I believe in your right to serve others, and my record has proven that. It truly is a shame that the fake news media has labeled me as a sex offender, when I have spent so many years fighting, so that marginalized people can remain in their rightful place,” Moore’s speech continued, as he unsuccessfully attempted to coax a child to sit on his lap.
“To my followers, I close with this: Don’t believe the fake news media. They have crucified me, and like Christ upon the Cross, I will rise above it all. Have I ever led you astray? I have always followed the teachings of Jesus, to the best of my ability. You know, the ones I’ve read. It’s a big book, so I had to get the cliff notes. I also skipped over that hippie dippy ‘love thy neighbor’ stuff. I mean, what if your neighbor is a Democrat? Treacherous scum. Anyway, I only ask that you pray for my soul; I’ll need it.”