NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell experienced wiring malfunctions earlier in the day, but his robot technicians reconfigured his wiring in time for the robotic leader to address a throng of reporters.
“The public misunderstands many things,” said Goodell, adjusting his voice modulator. “There are many calculations and variables that must be taken into account, especially when it comes to sensitive matters like domestic violence. However, peaceful protests and touchdown celebrations are quite simply unprofessional, so it’s quite easy to come to a firm decision about penalizing that sort of behavior.”
The league received enormous backlash in the wake of the Josh Brown domestic violence case. Further complicating things, the commissioner has said, is the fact that their decisions have financial implications on the victims of these cases, as well.
“Identify emotions. Eliminate! Eliminate!” Goodell adjusted his modulator again. “Sorry about that. Where were we? Oh, yeah. It is hard for mere spectators and fans to comprehend my logic or to grasp how the NFL handles discipline.”
Despite a 2014 league mandate requiring players to be banned for at least six games for first-time domestic violence offenses, Brown was only suspended for a single game after his May 2015 arrest. Conversely, the league threatened ejection for Antonio Brown from his team’s game is he refused to take off his Muhammad Ali tribute cleats.
“We are a global brand,” Goodell bee-booped, “which is why in effect today, star players, who qualify as such quantitatively through endorsement deals, will be given five-strikes for domestic abuse. After their fifth such offense, the consequences will be very severe.”
“How does that make any sense?” shouted one reporter.
“You’ll never understand petty human,” said Goodell. “The Shield comes first. What players do in the privacy of their own home is not our business. But once they enter the stadium, they represent the National Football League.”
A loud beeping noise rapidly emitted from the commissioner.
“No! No! No! Eliminate!” he said. “I must go swiftly. Odell Beckham was seen celebrating in New York.”