WASHINGTON D.C. – After what Senate Republicans are hailing as their first major victory in just over eleven months, House Speaker Paul Ryan is struggling to find the right wrapping paper, in which to showcase his gift to wealthy GOP donors.
“The Koch Brothers have been very good boys this year. They have made all of our work possible. We thought it would be appropriate to surprise them with the top item on their Christmas list: a billion dollar tax break,” Ryan explained, as he excitedly reached for a festive red bow to adorn the present.
“The middle class, on the other hand, have been very naughty boys and girls,” Ryan continued, as his expression visibly darkened, revealing a sinister smirk. “One young man in my district, William Griffin, has terminal brain cancer, but still refuses to work. He expects the government to provide him with entitlements? What a bad, lazy boy. He’ll be getting coal in his stocking.”
In lieu of reindeer and a sleigh, the GOP will be delivering their Christmas presents in a gold, taxpayer funded jet.
“Could you imagine Santa flying coach? What an absurd idea. After all, Christmas isn’t about charity and goodwill toward men; it’s about making sure the wealthy get more than their fair share. That is what Jesus would want,” Ryan concluded, as he stepped on a homeless man.
“Oh, pity. I’ve soiled my loafers. Now, I’ll have to buy new ones.”