Top Story

Report: Millennials Are The Absolute Worst

WASHINGTON DC — Researchers at the Conservative thinktank Heritage Foundation have reportedly found that millennials are the absolute worst thing to ever happen to earth since the beginning of forever.

Despite growing up in the Great Recession with little to no real job prospects, it’s a well-known fact to anybody who’s somebody that millennials are the generation that ruined everything — including the economy.

Between their deep love for avocado toast, brunch, and $4 coffees, millennials are totally useless, and are never ever going to have the real spending power silly experts predicted. Instead of buying houses those lazy, entitled snowflakes would rather travel the world with people they love, instagramming all their precious little memories.

“I just couldn’t resist,” said one avocado-loving millennial. “I know if I’d just held onto all those extra dollars instead of adding that sacred green to my turkey sandwiches, I would’ve had a home to stow away all the treasures my parents wanted to give me as they were downsizing.”

The Me Generation also thinks having a college degree means they should be able to get a good job when they graduate. Just because they come in knowing how to work dozens of software programs, doesn’t entitle them to a job any more than the boomer who types with one finger, and can’t run the Google Suite.

Without solid job prospects, millennials are putting marriage on hold till later in life, as well. The little snowflakes refuse to commit.

“They probably don’t want to be stuck with another parasite just like themselves,” said Heritage Foundation researcher Dr. Morgan Gittings. “And as we know, millennials aren’t buying diamonds, so how could they even put a ring on it if they wanted to?”

Millennials are the reason for the disintegration of the family unit as we know it. Additionally, the self-obsessed snowflakes are way too tolerant and accepting. Boomers and past generations were a lotta bit more racist. But these mangy millennials want everyone to feel welcome and safe. This Naive Generation want equality for all.

The Heritage Foundation reports that the world will be in utter chaos as millennials become the dominant population. It is highly probable that there won’t be as many wars, everyone will be accepted regardless of race, gender, or sexuality, memories will be valued over material things, and people will expect better work-life balance.

Head researcher Dr. Gittings shuddered at the thought.

Most Popular

To Top