REPORT: Local 1st Grader is Absolute Trash at Kickball

7 year-old Aiden Johnson has allegedly been described as simply the goddamn worst when it comes to kickball. “I mean, the kid just has absolutely no coordination,” said Johnson’s P.E. teacher Coach Phillips. “This is a game beloved by millions of children, and here this kid is, just shitting all over an American pastime.”

“Just one look at Aiden and anyone can see the young fella just has entirely no hope of ever succeeding at anything athletically related,” Phillips continued. “He’s trying his best, but that basically amounts to zilch.”

When asked for a comment, Aiden stated, “I like playing outside. Sometimes the ball goes a little fast.”

“He actually said that?” Phillips replied in disbelief. “The ball goes too fast? Get out of here. He couldn’t’ kick it if it was taped to his foot.”

Aiden is reportedly below average at basketball, next week’s sport in P.E. class.

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