Report: Literally Everyone Except Woody Allen Hopes Harvey Weinstein’s “Treatment” is Code for Castration

Harvey Weinstein and Woody Allen, two sexual predators, enjoy each other's company.

LOS ANGELES — Literally every human being with a pulse, except Woody Allen, hopes Harvey Weinstein’s supposed sex addiction treatment is code for castration. Weinstein has raped, assaulted, and coerced more women than we’ll ever truly know over the course of decades spent as a Hollywood mogul. Fellow sexual predator, writer, director, and actor Woody Allen obviously can relate, feeling saddened for how things are turning out for his pal Weinstein. However, Allen likes his victims much, much younger.

Weinstein reportedly checked into a sex addiction treatment facility in Arizona. But literally everyone in the universe besides Woody Allen is just hoping and praying that treatment is code for some little known secret that Weinstein will have his man bits chopped off, or at least, chemically castrated.

“I just think about how I’d want to be treated in Harvey’s shoes. I’ve always enjoyed his company,” says Allen. “I don’t want this to all lead to some kind of witch hunt like when I married my adopted daughter. I fear for Harvey. I really do. He’s going to be treated just as poorly as the media did my close friend Bill Cosby.”

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