NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK – Eugene O’Brien, a twenty eight year old Columbia University graduate and prominent lawyer, has been banned for life from Manhattan CryoBank after being told that “No one wants any Goddamn ginger kids.”
“It just seems unfair,” O’Brien complained. “I have a law degree from one of the best universities in the country, I have no history of genetic disease in my family, and I’m 6’1. By all accounts, I am a perfect candidate for sperm donation.”
“It is true that he was one of the more qualified applicants,” a representative of Manhattan CryoBank said in a statement. “You’d be shocked and appalled by the number of college kids who come in here wanting to earn a few extra bucks by ‘jizzing into a cup.’ They seem to think that human reproduction is some sort of joke, and that they’ll save some money on hand lotion and socks by donating samples to us. Honestly, every time we deal with one of these idiots, which is at least five times a day, we fear for the future of humanity.”
“However, the fact is that there is simply no market for ginger babies, no matter how impressive their genes. Prospective parents want kids with souls, who actually have a chance to get into Heaven when they die. Personally, we don’t have a problem with redheads, but at the end of the day, we are a business, and so we have to follow the money,” the press release concluded.
“I suppose that it’s just as well. When I first arrived at Manhattan CryoBank, I noticed that their collection of adult entertainment was rather lackluster, especially compared to mine at home. I mean, how am I supposed to donate sperm when there’s no Asian lesbian midget porn in stock? They really need to diversify their porn selection to suit those of us with more eclectic tastes. I was also a bit disturbed by the fact that there were cameras everywhere. I don’t perform well in front of an audience,” recounted O’Brien.
In order to avoid another publicity nightmare, executives at Manhattan CryoBank have installed signs all throughout the building, which clearly state: “Sorry! We do not accept ginger baby gravy!”