Pumpkin Spice-Flavored Fight Breaks Out, White Girl Literally Can’t Even

A somewhat basic white girl drinks her pumpkin spice latte to recover from a drinkathon the night before.

Atlanta, GA – A fight broke out at a local Flywheel between numerous women on Wednesday. As many Georgia residents are aware, this time of year brings about confusion as to whether it’s finally fall or, unbearably, still summer. After a particularly sweaty “Britney vs. Migos” themed ride, tension was high as class let out. A woman in her mid-twenties began to slip on her UGG boots to leave the studio, proclaiming her excitement that fall is here.

Witnesses say that’s when all hell broke loose. A pack of stay-at-home soccer moms summer enthusiasts, angry that their days of sipping wine from coffee mugs at the pool while ignoring their bratty children are coming to a close, began berating the woman over false claims. Younger, hotter women rushed to her defense. A fellow classmate was very upset about the incident, stating the following:

It was like something out of a horror movie. Someone licked her thumb and smeared off another girl’s eyebrows. There were fake lashes hanging from the faces of my peers. We all come here for positivity and enlightenment, endorphins, and asses that don’t quit. To walk out of that class feeling empowered and totally zen, only to hear words like “pumpkin-spiced bitch” and “dried-up cougar” has truly traumatized me. Bible. I just can’t. I literally can not even. 

Classmates needing a safe space moved to the nearest Lululemon to engage in retail therapy. Flywheel has issued a statement that there was evil on many sides, yet “very fine” individuals present as well. Classes will resume on Friday, once the clip-in extensions, green juice and lattes are cleaned from the floors and walls.


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