By: Carl Sweat IV
LONDON – Following a stunning upset in the June 8th General Election, Prime Minister Theresa May has assured the British people that she will form a “strong and stable” government. She fears, however, that the very slight 2 MP majority provided to her by a very contentious formal agreement with Northern Ireland’s Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) will not secure the mandate that she so desperately needs for effectively handling Brexit negotiations.
Wishing to call upon The United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) for some much needed support, May was horrified to discover that UKIP has failed to secure even one seat in Parliament.
“It seems as though you can’t even trust virulently racist people in this country to do anything for you anymore,” she was quoted as saying during a post-election press conference.
“We cannot simply rely on a small party in Northern Ireland to give us the mandate required to take away free school meals,” she continued. “We are in desperate need of a stronger coalition.”
That’s when Theresa May had an epiphany.
“As a young girl, running through fields of wheat, I saw a locust flying about. At first, I thought it looked absolutely dreadful, but upon second glance, I began to feel as though this very creature may someday be of use to me,” she recalled wistfully.
Fifty five years later, her vision came true.
“I first met with the locusts outside of a seedy establishment called The End of Days. While such a moldy, putrid stench as in that decaying building would have offended some, to me, it smelled of fresh strawberries. I suppose that you could say I really am a bloody difficult woman. I do what it takes to ensure the hardest Brexit imaginable. Without a strong mandate, who will take away meals from school children?” she inquired with a coy smile, as she sunk her sharp teeth into a nearby fox’s neck, devouring it for sustenance.
“I eventually found them to be admirable, sensible individuals with strong conviction. They told me about their plague in Egypt, and I recounted the time as Home Secretary, during which I endangered millions of people’s lives by cutting thousands of active duty police officers. It was simply lovely to be surrounded by thoughtful types, with whom I have so much in common,” she beamed, her eyes casting an ominous red glow.
“I do hope that by forming this coalition, I can begin my goal of world do- I mean, securing a strong and stable government,” Prime Minister May asserted, nervously chuckling afterwards.
“Pardon me, Prime Minister, what did you say?” asked a reporter from The Guardian.
“You heard nothing, peasant,” she shouted, as she disappeared into a thick cloud of mist.