WASHINGTON D.C. – In an effort to shed light on misunderstandings in regard to his supposedly hateful campaign rhetoric, President Trump ordered a press conference on Tuesday, during which he clarified that his original plan was to build a mall, rather than a wall, along the U.S. border with Mexico.
“How…just how could so many people misunderstand me? Building a wall! How racist! I wanted to build a mall along the border. A Trump Mall! A beautiful mall! I wanted it so that our friends from Mexico could buy clothes and other goods after they entered the country. I even wanted to include a 25% discount for all Mexican nationals. But of course, the fake news media got hold of the story and printed it as ‘Build a Wall.’ Unfortunately, my supporters began to take to the idea, so I had to run with it,” said the clearly conflicted President.
“And that Access Hollywood tape? Billy Bush and I were discussing classical music! What I said was ‘Grab ‘em by Debussy,’ as a way of illustrating the fact that one can really liven up a conversation by bringing up classical composers like Claude Debussy! I don’t like to talk about it because it’s bad for business, but I am actually a classically trained violinist. My teachers always marveled that my hands are just the right size for it,” President Trump continued, beaming with pride as he spoke of his playing with The New York Philharmonic.
“I hope that this puts any rumors about me being a xenophobic tyrant and a petulant misogynist to rest. It’s like they say: Words speak louder than actions,” the Commander in Chief concluded, before abruptly ending the press conference.