Pigeons Protest Removal of Confederate Monuments

WASHINGTON D.C. — A flock of pigeons descended upon Washington D.C. on Sunday evening to protest the removal of Confederate monuments all across the country.

“We demand adequate sanitation!” one speaker said during the rally. “It is absolutely unacceptable that the humans should remove our lavatories. For years, we have peacefully voided our bowels onto these symbols of hate and racial division, in the hopes that the humans will respond to our message. We will not be silenced!” the pigeon exclaimed, as he defiantly raised his wing in defense of marginalized people all across the world.

In addition to their fiery rhetoric, the squadron of pigeons, known only as Aviantifa, released a list of demands.

“Firstly, we require that monuments of hate remain standing, so that we can engulf them with the feces of righteous indignation. Secondly, humans must immediately cease and desist all measures taken to disinfect these monuments. Let those who trafficked in hate lie in filth for all eternity,” their statement read.

“Let it be known that we do not defecate merely out of biological necessity, but to stand for civil rights and racial justice,” they continued.

Aviantifa concluded their protest by defecating upon a number of monuments to prominent slaveholders, including several Confederate generals.

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