Pathetic Beta Gets A Side of Shame with His Sad Salad

Frequent customers of the salad chain Salad Tosser report that Donathan Jildo, a pathetic beta, ordered a sad salad indicative of a man with low testosterone levels. “After I saw him order tofu, I glanced down at his hands. They were so soft-looking, like lotioned. If he slapped somebody, it would hurt him more. He just had this dominatable vibe about him. He also kept asking how hot each sauce was. He said, and I quote, spicy foods ‘disagree with me’…like what kind of a man says that. That’s when I told him that instead of getting any hot sauce he should probably stick with weak sauce, and you know what? I’m glad I said it,” local Sarah Calico explained, spitting on the ground in disgust.

Sarah Calico was not alone in her absolute disdain of the tofu-loving Jildo. “He kept talking about how he was an aspiring vegan. What does that even mean? Yeah, dude, I’m an aspiring astronaut. Do you hear yourself? Are you an aspiring Tesla owner too?” said Norton Till. “I’m a trauma surgeon, and I get guys like him in there. He’d come in with a plastic straw up his backside and then have the audacity to lie about it. I’d refuse to operate on that Wannabe Captain Planet.”

“That guy was a freak,” said Salad Tosser employee Samantha Tanner. “He ordered feta and parmesan. Then when I told him it seemed a bit excessive, he giggled. Yes, he fucking giggled and said he was being bad. He thought I was kidding. I wasn’t.”

“He just had this real weak way about him. His salad reeked of passivity,” says manager Albert Mattheu. “I’ve been in the salad-tossing business for thirty years, and you can always tell who a man really is by how they like their salad tossed.”

At press time, Mattheu reportedly informed pathetic beta Donathan Jildo that he’d have to get his salad tossed elsewhere.

To Top