Dear Mr. Bezos,
We at The Millennial Snowflake would like to take a break from our coverage of breaking news, in order to address you directly.
As you are well aware, a certain prominent individual has been relentlessly attacking Amazon and The Washington Post, two companies that you own, through a social media cesspool known as Twitter. Unfortunately, your net worth has suffered as a result.
Did you know, Mr. Bezos, that as of January 2018, the enterprise value of Twitter is only $15 billion? Your estimated net worth, on the other hand, amounts to roughly $110.8 billion.
Do the math: You could OWN this maggot-infested social media platform, using only the gold coins wedged underneath your sofa!
Now, we know what you’re thinking: “As a savvy businessman, why would I WANT to own a platform most famous for unhinged 3 AM posts, featuring neologisms like ‘covfefe?’”
Good question, Mr. Bezos! Consider it an investment. You could ban a certain user from the platform, thus prohibiting him from petulantly slandering your business ventures! No longer would your stocks plummet, due to some narcissistic dotard slandering you from the toilet, his porcelain pulpit!
Consider also that if you were to ban this particular user after acquiring Twitter, you would become an American hero. History books would tell of the man who prevented nuclear war with North Korea, at the click of a mouse! Every town square in America would proudly display statues of the man who enabled this country to finally sleep soundly at night.
Mr. Bezos, we here at The Millennial Snowflake implore you: Become the hero you were meant to be.
The Millennial Snowflake