THE BRONX, NEW YORK – After her stunning upset in the Democratic Primary race in New York’s 14th District, avowed Communist and darling of the proletariat, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, announced her plans for the future on Monday.
“We in the working class have nothing to lose but our chains! It is time for those of us who toil tirelessly with our hands to seize the means of production from the bourgeois! We will send each and every one of those thieving bastards to gulags! The revolution of the proletariat will be an arduous, bloody, and vicious struggle, but we will emerge victorious!” Ocasio-Cortez forcefully proclaimed at a rally in her native New York, as The Internationale played triumphantly in the background.
Upon learning of her platform, numerous constituents in the 14th District have become concerned about food shortages, land redistribution, and other unfortunate consequences of her Communist policies.
“She wants healthcare and housing for all? What kind of sick, vile human being would argue for such a thing? Who’s going to pay for it? I certainly won’t! I’d have to sell one of my yachts. Not gonna happen; I assure you,” Johnathan Jones, a lawyer who lives in the 14th District, told The Millennial Snowflake.
“An assault weapons ban and background checks on gun purchases? What kind of Stalinist bullshit is this? I need my gun for when the lizard people in the White House finally rise up to kill us all! And abolishing ICE? What does this commie have against cold beverages?!” Peter Cyril, a taxidermist from Queens, remarked in a similar statement.
The General Election will take place in November. Many Americans fear that it may prove to be our country’s last truly democratic election.