Politics

NFL to Mandate Bellamy Salute to Flag

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK – In a press conference on Wednesday, NFL Commissioner Roger Godell announced that all players will be required to perform the Bellamy Salute to the flag. Noncompliance will result in the player’s team incurring a hefty $25,000 fine.

“For those who are unfamiliar with the Bellamy Salute, it was the traditional way of saluting the flag, from 1892 until it was inexplicably changed in late 1942. In other words, this was our way of honoring the flag when America was most great, and when everyone knew their place in it. We at the National Football League have decided to reinstate this glorious American tradition, so as to prove our love and devotion to our nation,” Godell said in a statement.

“It is an absolute travesty that the Flag Code was ever changed,” Godell continued. “This despicable act of Congress marked the beginning of the end: the first step toward godless socialism and political correctness. Today, we will take the first small step toward reinstating our former glory.”

Reactions to this measure have been overwhelmingly positive.

“It’s great to be able to perform the salute in public again, without having to feel guilty for appearing to be a traitor,” Benjamin Donner told The Millennial Snowflake, as he vainly attempted to hide his conspicuous swastika tattoo. “This is my heritage, and I will defend it until my last breath.”

“I had no idea that the salute had such an illustrious, patriotic history. FDR is a spineless cuck for changing it,” Liam Nesser remarked, as he gave the salute to several African American pedestrians.

“I’m just being patriotic,” he defiantly proclaimed, as a response to their looks of anger and disbelief.

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