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New Report Finds Sliding On Hardwood Floors While Playing Air Guitar In Footie Pajamas Fastest-Rising Cause of Adult Deaths In United States

New report shows that sliding in footie pajamas, while playing air guitar on hardwood floors is fastest-rising cause of adult deaths in United States.

ATLANTA, GA — Shedding light on the dangers of jamming too hard, a new report published Wednesday found that the fastest-rising cause of adult deaths in the U.S. is sliding on hardwood floors, while playing air guitar in footie pajamas. “After examining recent mortality trends, we have found that the rate at which Americans are dying due to slipping and falling on hardwood floors while wearing footie pajamas and playing air guitar is quickly rising,” said lead author Judson Mazhir, explaining that attempting to play Weezer’s “Say It Ain’t So” or Taking Back Sunday’s “Make Damn Sure” on air guitar, while sliding around in footie pajamas is becoming exponentially more fatal with each passing year. “With this becoming an even greater issue as people are getting more and more lit, it’s important to pay close attention to the early warning signs of getting too hype. Because by the time you get that running start to do an epic stage slide, it’s already too late.” Mazhir also warned that although a small percentage of adults end up surviving this treacherously sneaky path to death, it’s better to avoid wearing footie pajamas on hardwood floors altogether.

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