New Policy Will Detain Migrant Children in Bouncy Castles

WASHINGTON D.C. – After intense public scrutiny over the Trump Administration’s family separation policy, President Trump has decided to sign an Executive Order, which will exchange their infamous holding cells for bouncy castles.

“We want to make sure that these children are safe and provided for,” Sarah Huckabee Sanders told the press during a briefing on Friday. “With the implementation of the President’s Executive Order, all migrant children will receive a fun bouncy castle, in which they can run and play, within prescribed limits, of course.”

Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen, echoed the Press Secretary’s statements in a separate briefing. “This humane measure will prevent injury to these children, and provide them a safe and comfortable environment. If they get too distraught over losing their parents, they can hit their heads against the wall without hurting themselves. We at the Department of Homeland Security take the health and well-being of these children very seriously. And they’re bouncy castles! Who doesn’t want to be a prince or princess, bouncing around in their inflatable palace?”

In regard to the new policy, First Lady Melania Trump, who recently visited a detention facility in Texas, was quoted as saying, “Do I have to make it any clearer to you people? I don’t give a rat’s ass.”

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