WASHINGTON D.C. — The Millennial Snowflake has confirmed that the Mueller report, which Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller III delivered to the Justice Department on Friday, includes a tape of President Trump’s involvement with Russian prostitutes. The sexual exploits depicted were performed at the presidential suite of the Moscow Ritz-Carlton in 2013.
Reportedly, the tape also includes commentary from legendary Russian adult film director, Pyotr Filippov.
“I am thrilled that the world will finally see my film, after all these years. I consider it some of my best work!” Filippov told The Millennial Snowflake in an interview at the infamous hotel in question.
“Why did you decide to include a commentary track?” We asked, as Filippov poured another shot of vodka for himself.
“Because I want to inspire future generations of filmmakers, by detailing my techniques,” he explained. “I have worked in this industry for decades now, and this is my magnum opus. Why wouldn’t I reveal the secrets to my success at last?”
“Interesting. Why do you consider this particular film to be your masterpiece?”
“My use of lighting was brilliant, if I may say so. It took hours to perfect, but my tireless efforts certainly paid off, as you will all soon bear witness. Trump might seem like an orange gargoyle in the wrong light, but in just the right shade, he’s a regular Marlon Brando with flaxen locks.”
Filippov also said that he plans to release the film, which he calls The Art of the Golden Shower, in 2020.