Science & Technology

MIT Robotics Engineer Tirelessly Works Himself Out of Job

Robotics engineer working on artificial intelligence.

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Noah Walsh, robotics engineer and Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) graduate, has been working exhaustively for years, in order to develop artificial intelligence.

“There are many complex calculations that go into this sort of work, but I take pride in it, knowing the practical applications. These machines will someday soon possess the capability to not only do menial tasks, such as household chores, but they’ll even be able to perform complex calculations that would take the human brain hours, perhaps even longer, to solve. There is no doubt in my mind that artificial intelligence will one day outpace the human mathematician,” Walsh explained, blissfully unaware that his toil will most likely result in his own obsolescence.

“I wish him all the best with his endeavors. I’m really sick of engineers telling me how they like their coffee. Once companies start outsourcing their jobs to robots, I’ll be sure to shove that cappuccino directly in their hobo faces. Good luck getting those coffee stains out of your tattered clothes, you pretentious cocksuckers,” Frank Bristow, a graduate student in English at the University of Washington, wrote in an Op-Ed in The Tech, MIT’s largest newspaper.

“You know what they say: A monkey with a typewriter could write Shakespeare, if provided enough time. I’m not worried about these bottom-feeders suddenly becoming successful. I hereby challenge Mr. Bristow to a game of Dungeons and Dragons. The loser must admit that their profession is entirely inferior,” Walsh defiantly responded in an interview.

To this, Bristow responded with disbelief, and crude humor.

“I have no time for Dungeons and Dragons! Perhaps Mr. Walsh should consider engineering a sex robot, so that he can finally get some,” he replied.

“That shows how much he knows! I already have a prototype. It has two settings: oral and anal. Doesn’t he look foolish!” Walsh haughtily responded, as he vowed revenge from the depths of his mother’s basement.

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