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Millions of Little People Fired as Vending Machines, ATMs Become Fully Automated

Man receives cash from an ATM machine.

LA JOLLA, CA — Millions of little people have been laid off in the past month as vending machines and ATMs have become fully automated.

For decades, little people were the hidden backbone of the economy, handing people their money and snacks from the confinement of vending machines and ATMs throughout the world. However, recent advances in artificial intelligence took away the need for their continued service.

Despite the occupational hazards, including frequent loss of hands and fingers, the little people filled a role nobody else was truly built for.

“I have a family to feed, and I loved my job,” said little person James Michels. “There was no better feeling than knowing I was the one handing people their hard-earned money through that glorious slit of light. Not every one of us can be Tyrion Lannister, or R2D2, and circus work is degrading. I pray Peter Jackson makes another Lord of the Rings spin-off.”

Job opportunities for little people in movies and television are on the rise with the success of shows like Little Women: Atlanta and Little People, Big World. But there will not be enough job openings to receive the influx of recently laid-off ATM and vending machine workers.

“Unfortunately, this isn’t some reality show,” said Michels. “This is little people, big unemployment problem.”

 

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