Science & Technology

Are Millennials Using Time Travel to Ruin the Economy?

Hipster millennial twirls his mustache.

More than five years after the Great Recession, a large portion of millennials are still living with their parents — in fact, more than 25%, a number that is on the rise even as the economy has improved.

Generation-Y was expected to get better jobs and eventually move out, returning to pre-recession patterns. However, that is simply not what’s taken place, and the implications on the economy are dire. Adult children living at home have no need for purchasing furniture, telecom and cable installations, or other purchases typically associated with homeownership. Most importantly, millennials are absolutely destroying the housing market, and damaging the economy with it.

But what if I told you the history of millennials ruining the economy goes back farther than you could possibly imagine?

You might think to yourself, how is that even possible? Millennials are merely suffering from the mistakes of their parents and their parent’s parents before them.

Don’t let them fool you.

A recent report published by the Pew Research Center found that millennials have been using time travel to retroactively ruin the economy. Next time, you see a millennial taking a selfie, you may just assume they are vapid and self-centered, but according to Pew researchers, the Me-Generation is also complicit, if not entirely responsible for the poor performance of the economy.

“Yes, I know. It’s shocking, but as it turns out, millennials were traveling back in time to actively cause the U.S. to spend trillions on wars in the middle east, they caused the housing crash, and were even partially responsible for 9/11,” says Pew Research Center President Michael Dimock.

“All along, I thought I was just thrust into a bad economy, and had to make the most of it,” said Starbucks barista Melissa Sims. “I had no idea that I’d been time traveling, and mucking things up for everyone. And here I was thinking George W. Bush was the one that got us into this mess to begin with, when it was my generation the whole time.”

The Pew Research Center has some tips to help millennials, who might be unaware that their future self is going back in time to ruin the economy.

  1. Understand that millennials are the absolute worst.
  2. Stop ruining everything.
  3. Just die already.
  4. No, seriously, stop existing.
  5. Everything is your fault, you time traveling warlock.


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