ATLANTA — According to experts at the Millennial Snowflake Research Center (MSRC), the funeral industry is dying and millennials may be the cause of it. The mortality rate has drastically declined, forcing hundreds of funeral homes and funeral-related businesses to close up shop.
“Besides occasionally getting hit by a car while taking a selfie, getting popcorn lung from vaping or dying of food allergies, millennials are turning out to be much more resilient than expected,” said MSRC head researcher C.J. Curtis. “They just aren’t dying off at the rate we hoped.”
By contrast, the MSRC found that baby boomers are doing their part to try keep the funeral industry alive and well. The boomers have a much higher mortality rate than the millennial demographic. Generation X is dying off faster than millennials, but slower than the boomers. So all in all, the millennials are slacking, which will ultimately leave thousands of morticians and mortician apprentices out of work.
Despite a seemingly steady supply of death, the MSRC links the lack of great war to this decline, citing the need for another Vietnam-type of war, “a pointless one” just to get the industry booming again. Curtis believes an unnecessary war with North Korea might be exactly what it takes to get the millennial mortality rate up and save the funeral industry.