Millennials Dismayed To Find Life isn’t a Pokémon Game, No Free Handouts

PRINCETON, NEW JERSEY – As the Millennial generation ages, their childhood habits appear to remain intact, claims a psychological study published in The Princeton Review. For example, they often still forget to feed their pets, like those poor Tamagotchis who have not been fed since 2001.

Yet the most damaging holdover in their fragile psyches appears to be the expectations left behind by the Pokémon franchise, in which young trainers often break into the houses of unsuspecting townspeople. Far from being alarmed, these strangers often give the aspiring Pokémon masters items to assist them on their journey, everything from Pokéballs to Super Rods.

“Whenever I was having trouble with my homework, I would drive to the nearest neighborhood, let myself in to the first house I could find, and ask for help. After all, that’s how Nintendo taught me to overcome adversity. At age sixteen, I entered a home looking for help with my trigonometry homework. I was shocked when the police came, wrestled me to the ground, and handcuffed me. That never happens to Red,” Angela Torres, a lifelong Pokémon fan recounted, clearly still traumatized by the experience.

“The healthcare system in Pokémon far surpasses our own, too,” observed Travis Metcoff, as he fed his Snorlax a Rare Candy. “I mean, after you make your Pokémon fight to within an inch of its life, all you have to do is send it to Nurse Joy, who heals them no questions asked. Socialized medicine is awesome!”

“I really hated school as a kid, so naturally, I was jealous of Red, who just turned ten, told his mother to fuck off, and began his journey with a weird blue turtle or….what the fuck is Bulbasaur anyway?” Metcoff continued. “I can’t help but wish that life were more like that. I’m drowning in student loan debt, and am about to file bankruptcy. Meanwhile, the only costs that Red has to worry about are for Hyper Potions and Ultra Balls.”

As Millennials continue to be disheartened that life does not in any way resemble Pokémon, they continue to expect handouts. Nintendo has created a socialist utopia, which deluded the youth into believing that life should be something more than a swift kick in the genitalia. If we as responsible adults do not act quickly, Millennials, with their insidious Pokémania, will destroy capitalism and crush Western civilization as we know it.

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